“You’re so quiet.” “Loosen up a little – you’re so serious.” “You could have done better.” “You’re just not good enough to make the team this year.” Ouch! Perhaps the words are familiar – yet another confirmation of our flaws from someone we know well. Or maybe it’s just a thoughtless comment from someone who didn’t think through how you might feel on the receiving end.
Why is it that the hurtful comments seem to stick and replay in our minds way more than the encouraging comments? They say words can never hurt people, but they really do.
I have been on both ends of this kind of comment. I have carelessly spoken my mind and hurt people and had to apologise when I realised what I had said (that is if I realised – I am sure there have been multiple instances I have hurt people and not realised it). I have also been kept up at night replaying a hurtful comment directed at me and imagining different scenarios of how I should have responded.
Towards the end of my teen years, my dad commented in a conversation that I would need to start watching my weight. I can see now how the comment was made in earnest by a dad who wanted the best for his daughter, but at the time I heard: “You are picking up too much weight and that’s not okay.” I don’t remember how I responded, but I can imagine that I shut down, withdrew relationally in that moment, and closed in on myself.
What would you say if I told you it is possible to take the “sting” out of hurtful comments? Would you believe me? Would you be willing to try it? With some intentional processing, it is possible to let those comments slide off you like water off a duck’s back. They don’t have to stick. They don’t have to ruin your day or send you to the cookie jar for a comfort snack. They don’t have to distance your relationship with the one who spoke the words.
Being confident in our identity and reassessing the lies we believe about ourselves are probably the biggest things that will shield us from hurtful comments in future. Forgiveness, grieving the hurt, and speaking up about what hurt us can help us let go of hurtful comments from the past.
- Conviction leads us to repentance
Let’s first deal with comments that are true. If someone says, “You are being lazy,” and you are being lazy, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It depends how it is delivered. If it’s a factual observation by the person and passed without judgement, it can be very freeing. The Holy Spirit does this when He convicts us. It is an invitation to acknowledge the truth and repent for being lazy and take action. Conviction is very specific and the path to freedom from guilt is very specific: If I am being lazy, I need to get up and do something. If I stole something, I need to return it or pay for it.
Sometimes the same words might be spoken in a condemning tone: “You are being lazy.” Whether or not it is true, it hurts. Getting up to do something in this instance does not make you feel any better on the inside. You can repent for being lazy, but you’ll probably want to read further to learn how to become fully free.
They may or may not have apologised. They may or may not deserve your forgiveness. They may or may not learn from their actions. Forgive them anyway. Forgiveness doesn’t mean their words were okay. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. What it does mean is that you won’t continue to hold their words against them.
Whether you forgive someone to their face or quietly on your own depends on the circumstances and whether it would be helpful or hurtful to the other person. You get to decide. You might try forgive them without telling them, but later realise that you need to let them know how their comment hurt and that you have forgiven them. You may also need to forgive other people who were present but who did not stand up for you in the moment. By forgiving, you are relinquishing the right to punish the other person for what they said.
Hurts and disappointments cannot be healed unless they are grieved. Acknowledge to at least yourself that a comment hurt and allow yourself to feel that hurt. Sometimes it is helpful to journal or express to the person what you wish would have happened instead. “I wish you would appreciate all that I have done instead of pointing out the one thing I haven’t.”
- Take inventory of your beliefs on the topic
Imagine a suit of armour that is full of holes. When an enemy fires a flaming arrow, it goes right through a hole and wounds us. Our beliefs about ourselves (self-esteem) are a little bit like that suit of armour, and the lies we believe about ourselves are the holes. (I call them lies because they are not God’s Truth about us.) The reason some comments hurt so much is because we believe them (even if only a little bit).
To be honest, anyone who made any comment about my weight was set up for failure because it was already a sensitive issue for me. I was uncomfortable about the fact that I had gained some weight. I was living in dorms and so I was eating differently, wasn’t exercising as much, and was on medication with weight gain as a side effect. Without any prompting from my dad, I believed I weighed too much, which is why his comment hurt. I had a big hole in my armour that was a belief along the lines of “Too heavy is shameful. I am too heavy, therefore I am shame-worthy.”
I needed to patch my armour so the fiery arrows that came my way could bounce off my armour and not go straight into my heart. If I was not sensitive about my weight, I could have agreed with my dad and thanked him for bringing up an important topic as I entered adulthood, especially because I have inherited genes that are somewhat susceptible to weight gain. There are many truths that could have replaced my unhealthy belief. Recognising that I need not be ashamed and that I am loved and accepted regardless of the numbers on the scale is one Truth that could have patched that hole. Acknowledging my struggle with self-esteem in the area of weight, and taking steps to live a healthier lifestyle could have been another. What are the holes in your armour, and what Truth(s) will patch these holes? Ask God for a revelation of Truth if you are stuck.
Sometimes we recognise the same old pattern. It might be every time someone comments on our hair, or how loud we talk. While it is important to take inventory of our beliefs in that area and patch the holes in our armour, complete healing may not come until we address the first time that we felt that way. Sometimes there will be a specific memory linked to an unhealthy/unhelpful belief we have (or an outright lie we believe about ourselves.) Whatever the memory may be, do the work of healing: forgive anyone you need to from that memory; acknowledge any lies you believed in that moment; & seek God for the Truth (His perspective) in that moment. If this exercise is traumatic for you, seek the help of a mentor or counsellor.
- Tell the person that their words hurt
If it is a safe relationship, tell the other person how you felt when they made the hurtful comment. Also tell them what you want or need from them. Perhaps it is just the acknowledgement that they hurt you (intended or not) or the validation that they can see how you could feel hurt by their comment. Perhaps you’d like an apology or for them to rephrase their comment in a more helpful way. Perhaps you need clarification on what they meant.
If you are unable to tell the person because it is an unsafe relationship or if there are other fears you have, tell someone else you trust. It can be so good to have your responses validated by someone – to know that it makes sense that you feel the way you do. When it comes to feelings of shame, the best thing you can do is say it out loud to someone you trust who will love and encourage you and help shrink the shame.
The biggest difference will come as you learn to love and accept yourself, quirks and all. As you become more confident about different aspects of your physical attributes, personality, skills, and preferences, what other people think and say won’t matter as much.
Ultimately, believing the Truth will transform us (Romans 12:2) and believing the Truth about ourselves will ground us in our identity. What Truths about yourself can you remind yourself of today? Who else is a Truth-speaker in your life who could encourage you? Which Truths are being highlighted by God in this season of your life? Here are some to remind you:
You are loved, chosen, accepted, without blame, and a delight to God (Ephesians 1). You can’t earn or lose God’s love because it’s based on His character and not on anything you do (Ephesians 2:8-9). God is always with you; He will never leave you (Deuteronomy 31:16). There is nothing too small for God’s attention (Psalm 139: 2-4).
May you find some freedom from hurtful comments as you work through the suggestions above. Remember, anything that condemns or brings fear or shame is not from God and is not part of your identity as His child. God always speaks kindly and in a way that draws you towards Him, not pushes you away.
May you know you are loved – every part of you just as you are!
Sandi
Letting Go of Hurtful Comments
“You’re so quiet.” “Loosen up a little – you’re so serious.” “You could have done better.” “You’re just not good enough to make the team this year.” Ouch! Perhaps the words are familiar – yet another confirmation of our flaws from someone we know well. Or maybe it’s just a thoughtless comment from someone who didn’t think through how you might feel on the receiving end.
Why is it that the hurtful comments seem to stick and replay in our minds way more than the encouraging comments? They say words can never hurt people, but they really do.
I have been on both ends of this kind of comment. I have carelessly spoken my mind and hurt people and had to apologise when I realised what I had said (that is if I realised – I am sure there have been multiple instances I have hurt people and not realised it). I have also been kept up at night replaying a hurtful comment directed at me and imagining different scenarios of how I should have responded.
Towards the end of my teen years, my dad commented in a conversation that I would need to start watching my weight. I can see now how the comment was made in earnest by a dad who wanted the best for his daughter, but at the time I heard: “You are picking up too much weight and that’s not okay.” I don’t remember how I responded, but I can imagine that I shut down, withdrew relationally in that moment, and closed in on myself.
What would you say if I told you it is possible to take the “sting” out of hurtful comments? Would you believe me? Would you be willing to try it? With some intentional processing, it is possible to let those comments slide off you like water off a duck’s back. They don’t have to stick. They don’t have to ruin your day or send you to the cookie jar for a comfort snack. They don’t have to distance your relationship with the one who spoke the words.
Being confident in our identity and reassessing the lies we believe about ourselves are probably the biggest things that will shield us from hurtful comments in future. Forgiveness, grieving the hurt, and speaking up about what hurt us can help us let go of hurtful comments from the past.
Let’s first deal with comments that are true. If someone says, “You are being lazy,” and you are being lazy, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It depends how it is delivered. If it’s a factual observation by the person and passed without judgement, it can be very freeing. The Holy Spirit does this when He convicts us. It is an invitation to acknowledge the truth and repent for being lazy and take action. Conviction is very specific and the path to freedom from guilt is very specific: If I am being lazy, I need to get up and do something. If I stole something, I need to return it or pay for it.
Sometimes the same words might be spoken in a condemning tone: “You are being lazy.” Whether or not it is true, it hurts. Getting up to do something in this instance does not make you feel any better on the inside. You can repent for being lazy, but you’ll probably want to read further to learn how to become fully free.
They may or may not have apologised. They may or may not deserve your forgiveness. They may or may not learn from their actions. Forgive them anyway. Forgiveness doesn’t mean their words were okay. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. What it does mean is that you won’t continue to hold their words against them.
Whether you forgive someone to their face or quietly on your own depends on the circumstances and whether it would be helpful or hurtful to the other person. You get to decide. You might try forgive them without telling them, but later realise that you need to let them know how their comment hurt and that you have forgiven them. You may also need to forgive other people who were present but who did not stand up for you in the moment. By forgiving, you are relinquishing the right to punish the other person for what they said.
Hurts and disappointments cannot be healed unless they are grieved. Acknowledge to at least yourself that a comment hurt and allow yourself to feel that hurt. Sometimes it is helpful to journal or express to the person what you wish would have happened instead. “I wish you would appreciate all that I have done instead of pointing out the one thing I haven’t.”
Imagine a suit of armour that is full of holes. When an enemy fires a flaming arrow, it goes right through a hole and wounds us. Our beliefs about ourselves (self-esteem) are a little bit like that suit of armour, and the lies we believe about ourselves are the holes. (I call them lies because they are not God’s Truth about us.) The reason some comments hurt so much is because we believe them (even if only a little bit).
To be honest, anyone who made any comment about my weight was set up for failure because it was already a sensitive issue for me. I was uncomfortable about the fact that I had gained some weight. I was living in dorms and so I was eating differently, wasn’t exercising as much, and was on medication with weight gain as a side effect. Without any prompting from my dad, I believed I weighed too much, which is why his comment hurt. I had a big hole in my armour that was a belief along the lines of “Too heavy is shameful. I am too heavy, therefore I am shame-worthy.”
I needed to patch my armour so the fiery arrows that came my way could bounce off my armour and not go straight into my heart. If I was not sensitive about my weight, I could have agreed with my dad and thanked him for bringing up an important topic as I entered adulthood, especially because I have inherited genes that are somewhat susceptible to weight gain. There are many truths that could have replaced my unhealthy belief. Recognising that I need not be ashamed and that I am loved and accepted regardless of the numbers on the scale is one Truth that could have patched that hole. Acknowledging my struggle with self-esteem in the area of weight, and taking steps to live a healthier lifestyle could have been another. What are the holes in your armour, and what Truth(s) will patch these holes? Ask God for a revelation of Truth if you are stuck.
Sometimes we recognise the same old pattern. It might be every time someone comments on our hair, or how loud we talk. While it is important to take inventory of our beliefs in that area and patch the holes in our armour, complete healing may not come until we address the first time that we felt that way. Sometimes there will be a specific memory linked to an unhealthy/unhelpful belief we have (or an outright lie we believe about ourselves.) Whatever the memory may be, do the work of healing: forgive anyone you need to from that memory; acknowledge any lies you believed in that moment; & seek God for the Truth (His perspective) in that moment. If this exercise is traumatic for you, seek the help of a mentor or counsellor.
If it is a safe relationship, tell the other person how you felt when they made the hurtful comment. Also tell them what you want or need from them. Perhaps it is just the acknowledgement that they hurt you (intended or not) or the validation that they can see how you could feel hurt by their comment. Perhaps you’d like an apology or for them to rephrase their comment in a more helpful way. Perhaps you need clarification on what they meant.
If you are unable to tell the person because it is an unsafe relationship or if there are other fears you have, tell someone else you trust. It can be so good to have your responses validated by someone – to know that it makes sense that you feel the way you do. When it comes to feelings of shame, the best thing you can do is say it out loud to someone you trust who will love and encourage you and help shrink the shame.
The biggest difference will come as you learn to love and accept yourself, quirks and all. As you become more confident about different aspects of your physical attributes, personality, skills, and preferences, what other people think and say won’t matter as much.
Ultimately, believing the Truth will transform us (Romans 12:2) and believing the Truth about ourselves will ground us in our identity. What Truths about yourself can you remind yourself of today? Who else is a Truth-speaker in your life who could encourage you? Which Truths are being highlighted by God in this season of your life? Here are some to remind you:
You are loved, chosen, accepted, without blame, and a delight to God (Ephesians 1). You can’t earn or lose God’s love because it’s based on His character and not on anything you do (Ephesians 2:8-9). God is always with you; He will never leave you (Deuteronomy 31:16). There is nothing too small for God’s attention (Psalm 139: 2-4).
May you find some freedom from hurtful comments as you work through the suggestions above. Remember, anything that condemns or brings fear or shame is not from God and is not part of your identity as His child. God always speaks kindly and in a way that draws you towards Him, not pushes you away.
May you know you are loved – every part of you just as you are!
Sandi
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