His words hurt and I felt my heart slam shut. Bam, bam, bam, like the multiple steel doors of a bank vault. Then silence. I cried and my thoughts swam, and then I surprised myself.
“I can’t stop my heart from closing, but I can open it again.”
In that moment we both witnessed a miracle: a hard heart softening. It was beautiful and I cried more. This time they were tears of relief and surprise and awe at how God had helped me forgive.
The state of our hearts tells a lot about the state of our relationships, whether with God or others. As much as we would not like to admit, our hearts harden regularly. We get hurt, we sin, we argue, we are stubborn. As those who claim to be followers of Christ and who long to become more like Him daily, we must learn how to recognise when we have a hard heart and how to soften it.
Why We Need a Soft Heart
The gospel writers draw a link between hard hearts and a lack of understanding:
“For they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened” (Mark 6:52, also 8:17)
“Therefore they [some of the Jews] could not believe. For again Isaiah said, ‘He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, lest they see with their eyes, and understand with their heart, and turn, and I would heal them’” (John 12:39-40).
Just as eyes are supposed to see, hearts are supposed to understand. But like blind eyes are unable to see, hardened hearts are unable to serve their purpose of understanding. Hard hearts also prevent us from turning to God, walking in his ways, and receiving his divine healing (in Isaiah and John’s contexts, salvation).
A Hard Heart
A hard heart is closed, cold, resistant, and unmoved. It is unable to feel empathy, compassion, or remorse, and is unaffected by the suffering of others. Just as the physical heart pumps blood, which carries life to all our organs, just so spiritual life also flows (or does not flow) through our heart. A hardened heart blocks the flow of life.
A soft heart is the opposite: tender, full of compassion, understanding, and sensitive to what God is doing. It is like pliable clay in the Master Potter’s hands. He can do with us whatever he pleases, for we are surrendered to his good care.
Proverbs cautions us to “watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23 NASB).
There are severe consequences for those with a perpetually hardened heart. They will become less sensitive to hear or respond to God, and eventually God will answer them according to their idols (Romans Ezekiel 14:4) and give them over to their evil desires and depraved minds (Romans 1).
But the good news is that God is in the business of transforming our hearts from hard to soft. Ezekiel’s prophecy to Israel is still applicable to everyone who chooses to follow Jesus:
“I [God] will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws” (Ezekiel 36:26-27).
God removes our heart of stone (hard) and gives us a heart of flesh (soft). His Spirit comes to reside in us and helps us to walk in his ways. We simply ask him to do this work of spiritual transformation in us and yield to him.
Cultivate a Soft Heart
Most notably our hearts are spiritually transformed from stone to flesh at our conversion, but if you have been a Christian for any length of time, I’m sure you will attest to the frequent dilemma of a hardened heart. Below I have highlighted some of God’s ways in which we are to walk that will help with the ongoing cultivation of a soft heart.
Surrender and Walk in God’s Ways
A rebellious heart is a hard heart. To have a soft heart we need to be in right relationship with God. When we humble ourselves and admit and accept our need for his salvation, he redeems and regenerates us. Though we were dead in our sins and with our hearts of stone, God raises us to life in Christ and gives us a new heart, one of “flesh” through which his life can flow.
God is not in favour of human self-sufficiency. People tried it way back at the tower of Babel, but God thwarted their efforts. He wants us to rely on him. We are made to flourish when we accept our dependence on him. Nothing good comes of it when we are left to our own devices! Without God’s transformative work in us, all we have left to offer is self-centeredness.
Practical step: Repent of stubborn pride and rebelling against God’s ways. Choose to accept God’s invitation, obey him, and walk in step with him. He is our loving Father.
Confess and Repent of Sin
Sin hardens our hearts. Each time we sin, we go against God’s ways. We rebel, whether consciously or not. The only way to soften a heart hardened by sin is to confess and repent of our sin – every time. A contrite heart is eager to do what is right in God’s eyes, and to restore the relationship when sin has affected it. A contrite heart is a soft heart and it is pleasing to God.
Practical step: Repent of any specific sins, as well as of hardening your heart. Ask God to do whatever it takes to soften your heart.
Forgive and Bless
An offended heart is a hard heart. Often when we get emotionally hurt, we build walls around our heart to protect ourselves from further hurt. This is especially true when we make inner vows from a place of hurt, such as “I will never trust men” (because one man hurt me) or “I will prove that I can do it” (because somebody suggested that I can’t).
Hurt and offended hearts are softened by forgiving the person who hurt or offended us, and by renouncing any inner vows we may have made. God commands us to forgive so he will enable us to, though many times we have to wrestle to lay down our desire not to forgive! When we forgive, God’s love and mercy are on display through us.
Practical step: Forgive the person(s) who hurt or offended you. Repent for your unforgiveness or anger. Renounce any inner vows if relevant.
Bonus practical step: Pray words of blessing over the offender as you would for a close friend (even if they never know about it).
Resolve Conflict
Conflict and anger harden our hearts. We become defensive and erect walls around our hearts, but the condition of our hearts is more important than winning any argument. Whether we are in an interpersonal conflict, or hold tightly to a theological doctrine or political position, we must work to keep our hearts soft.
Rather than closing ourselves off to the other person or view, we can make space for them by listening and trying to understand their perspective. If our unwillingness to listen is rooted in fear or pride, we need to face these motivations before we engage the other party.
Resolving conflict does not necessarily end with both parties agreeing on an issue, but it does mean we clear our hearts of anger or offenses or from shutting down. Talking about the issue regularly and empathetically makes the world of difference in our relational connections and the state of our hearts.
Practical steps: Ask God for insight into the conflict, repent of any sin on your part, and then listen to the other person’s perspective and reflect it back to them. Keep trying until they say that you understand their perspective. Only then is it your turn to explain your perspective.
Word and Worship
One of the primary ways God reveals his heart and his ways is through Scripture. As we fill ourselves with the truth of God’s Word, the Holy Spirit exposes what is in our hearts so that we can align our hearts with God’s.
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12)
When we worship God through music and song, we also remind ourselves of who God is and his faithfulness to us in the past. We can entrust our concerns into his care and rest in his sovereignty.
Practical steps: Before you read or listen to Scripture, ask God to show you his heart and fill you with his heart. Next time you feel your heart hardening, pause what you are doing and play one worship song that is focused on who God is. Let him soften your heart. (Play another song if you need to!)
Humility and Service
A proud or judgmental heart is a hard heart. Perhaps your heart is closed toward a certain person or demographic. Quick test: do you think you are better than them? If you answered yes, then you need to recognise that you are proud to some degree (in a not-good way).
Was Jesus better than his disciples? Perhaps, but he did not consider himself better. He laid aside his glory and his clothing, wrapped a towel around his waist, and washed his disciples’ feet. And he taught us to do likewise.
How can you humble yourself and serve the very people you’d rather judge? Perhaps you could weed your grouchy neighbour’s garden or make cookies for the noisy skater boys in the streets at night. Try praying for them while you serve them. When we see people the way God sees them, our hearts soften toward them.
Practical step: Repent of thinking you are better than the people you judge. Ask God to show you his heart for those people and how you can serve them. Then do it!
Pray for a Soft Heart
Since it is God who softens our hearts, we can always ask him to do so!
Practical steps: Give God permission to bring to your attention when you have a hard heart, and then ask him to soften it. Ask him to reveal why you hardened your heart, then follow his guidance to cultivate a soft heart.
In a nutshell, cultivating a soft heart comes down to walking in God’s ways. As we humble ourselves and put into practice what he has taught us, God softens our hearts. The above suggestions merely position us to allow God to do so. Don’t forget to thank him!
Scripture Prayers for a Soft Heart
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love… Cleanse me… Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me… A broken spirit and contrite heart you, God, will not despise” (See all of Psalm 51).
Read Also:
Letting God of Hurtful Comments
Christian Hedonism: Pursuing Joy in God
