If I could redo our wedding vows, I would make my husband promise me he would never make us late. I’m joking, but that’s how strongly I feel about being late. Too many Sunday mornings have been ruined by tension because we’re late to a church service.
I get anxious because I am a perfectionist. I have a reputation to uphold, and that includes never being late, especially for a church service. (The irony is that by now our friends know we are usually a few minutes late, but I can’t accept that blemish on my self-image, so the tension continues. Also, it’s not only my husband who makes us late, but it feels good to blame him because I have to stay perfect, remember.)
Perfectionism is Slavery
Most perfectionists are at war within ourselves. We want to be perfect, but we want to be free from the compulsion to be perfect. If we’re honest, we are trapped. Perfectionism is slavery. We can’t let go until something is perfect, and we beat up ourselves if it is not. The only thing that releases the pressure of perfectionism is to do a perfect job, and even then, the relief is only until our next performance. In the meantime, we neglect ourselves and our loved ones as we pour everything into our latest project.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, I am fully aware of the extents to which we will go to attain the appearance of perfection. I say appearance, because deep down we know we are not perfect. (Whether we will admit it is another issue.)
Our brokenness poses a problem, because we want others to think we are perfect, so we come up with strategies to hide our deficiencies. We work extremely hard to achieve perfect results or we wear a mask with a flashy smile. We deny our imperfections, even to ourselves. We are slaves to perfectionism.
A Shining White Wall
Years ago, God showed me a picture of my life. Imagine a huge white wall – tall, strong, and shining in the sunlight. Onlookers are awed at the dazzling brightness. There’s a reverent hush as people pass by. This is a picture of what us perfectionists present to the world. The wall perfect, it’s firmly in place, and it keeps people at a distance for fear of them discovering the truth about us.
On the other side of the wall – the side not seen by anyone – it’s a warzone. There is rubble everywhere, charred by fire. The wall itself is propped up by beams to prevent it from toppling over. It’s ugly.
Jesus used a similar image to describe the Pharisees who were meticulous about following the Jewish rules and customs.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean,” Matthew 23:27 NIV.
That is what Jesus thinks of the self-righteous – those who trust in their own works. It’s harsh!
Capturing Our Thoughts
To become free of perfectionism, we must examine our beliefs closely and adjust our thoughts to agree with God’s word.
“… We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV.
In those moments of anxiety over being late – or the moments we’re editing our essay for the sixth time or changing into the sixth outfit that morning – we are believing our identity is wrapped up in our performance and in what other people think of us. We’ve made them into god. Please them and all goes well with us. Displease them and suffer judgement and excommunication.
I was believing that God was just like people: fickle and judgy, approving and disapproving on a whim. He was sitting there with a clipboard, scrutinizing my every move and making black marks on a paper for every failing. In a nutshell he was unfaithful and untrustworthy.
If we believe we must perform to a certain level (which is the definition of a perfectionist), then we are believing something about God that is not true. Your beliefs may differ from mine. Perhaps you believe God is waiting to shame or humiliate you for your mistakes, that he will withdraw his love, abandon you, or flare up in a fierce temper. What are the beliefs motivating your perfectionism? What do you believe God is doing (or not doing)? And what does that reveal about what you’re believing God is like?
Our beliefs about God may be shocking when we are confronted with them. Of course I don’t really believe God is fickle – but I was acting like I believed it! Anxiety was the fruit of this wrong belief I had about God.
Repentance
Once we recognize a distorted belief we hold about God, the path forward is pretty clear: change our mind (= repentance). I renounced my belief that God was fickle and untrustworthy, and affirmed my belief that God is faithful, unchanging, and trustworthy.
How do I know? Because of the testimony of Scripture. Through all of history God has remained faithful to his covenant – even when humans have broken their side of the covenant. Hebrews 13:8 testifies that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” He does not lie or change his mind (Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29).
We know the Bible is true, so we search it for evidence with which to remind ourselves and grow our faith. Jesus Christ died for us to cover ALL our sins, failings, mistakes, flaws, inadequacies, weaknesses, or whatever else you call it. Which beliefs do you need to renounce, and find biblical evidence to support the truth you are choosing to affirm?
Seeing Ourselves Anew
If God is faithful and trustworthy and not fickle, and Jesus has covered my failings, then I don’t have to perform to a certain level. Whatever I do does not have to be perfect. Yes, I still enjoy doing my best – but not at all costs. I do my best with the knowledge and resources I have available at the time (time, money, energy, etc.).
What is more: I have the righteousness of Christ (Philippians 3:9, Romans 3:22, 2 Corinthians 5:21). That is FAR better than my shining white wall propped up by charred beams. The righteousness of Christ is untainted and un-taint-able. Nothing I do right makes it any better, and nothing I do wrong can blemish it. It is already complete.
Exhale a big sigh of relief. Yes, we may have been a mess – a big ugly warzone – but we have exchanged that for the righteousness of Christ. We have nothing to hide, nothing of which to be ashamed, nothing to prove.
Jesus already lived a perfect life, so we don’t have to. We can rest. We can embrace grace. Our identity is based on our faith in Christ, not on how well we do something, or how punctual we are. We were saved by faith, and we continue to live by faith – faith alone.
May the Holy Spirit highlight some of the things you are believing, and may he guide you into all truth, as Jesus promised he would. And may you find freedom from the compulsion of perfectionism as you rest in faith in Christ.
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PS, if you’re wondering how I knew which questions to ask myself, see Gospel Fluency and Saturate resources. They are changing my life! More on this in an upcoming blogpost.
2 thoughts on “Perfectionism Dismantled”
This has hit close to home. Such a timely reminder. Your visual for the white wall makes so much sense for a human to hold up as what we see
Thanks Carlie! I am finding I need constant reminders, because I keep trying to build up that white wall again, but Christ’s righteousness is so much better! He has already done all the work. We just need to trust in him (instead of in ourselves…)