A people pleaser needs people to please. That’s one of the things that makes staying home during this global health crisis hard. I am forced to face the discomfort and the sense of insecurity that rises when I don’t get the appreciation I am used to receiving.

Video chats are somewhat helpful, but they do not provide the full nonverbal feedback as face-to-face conversations. They seem to make awkward silences more awkward and highlight my annoying habit of filling the silences with superficial words or contemplative sounds such as “hmmm.”

This is not the first time I am learning these things about myself. In 2014 I took a silent retreat: alone for 24 hours without any connection to the outside world, only my bible, a journal, and a little book by Henri Nouwen called The Way of the Heart: The Spirituality of the Desert Fathers and Mothers. That was an intense 24 hours, but insightful. Thrown into sudden solitude, I came out of that time aware that I sometimes use people to feed my needs for approval and to be liked.

The current season of social/physical distancing has reminded me of these insecurities. This time around the discomfort is muted, but it is still there. I thought I had grown more since 2014, but I am reminded that sanctification is a journey. We don’t “arrive” this side of heaven.

Although it is uncomfortable, it is a good thing these insecurities are surfacing. It’s no use remaining disillusioned. I don’t love admitting being a people pleaser, because as a child of God I am supposed to get my identity solely from my Heavenly Father. But at least if I can acknowledge where I am on the map, I have a better chance at arriving at my destination. Acknowledging it is the first step towards healing and growing in any area.

Henri Nouwen writes:

“Solitude is the furnace of transformation… Solitude is the place of the great struggle and the great encounter – the struggle against the compulsions of the false self, and the encounter with the loving God who offers himself as the substance of the new self.”

― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Way of the Heart: The Spirituality of the Desert Fathers and Mothers

Nouwen calls it “the compulsions of the false self.” You could call it a mask, insecurities, or the flesh. We all have them. Some of us are better at setting them aside. Their purpose is to protect the real person: the person who is afraid of being disliked, laughed at, or rejected. I try to please people so that they will like me. In the end it’s more about me than it is about them.

Nouwen points out that, while solitude brings these compulsions to the surface, solitude is also the opportunity to lay them down. We are never truly alone; we are alone with God. This time of being home more and seeing people less is an opportunity to become aware of our compulsions and to surrender them. God loves our real selves – our “new” selves. He sees past the masks and loves us with all our insecurities, and it is His love that blooms confidence within us. When we know we are loved in this way, we do not need the approval that comes from pleasing people or being a perfectionist or pretending to be happy all the time. We realise what a poor substitute our compulsions are.

What we deeply desire is to be known, fully known in all our weaknesses and loved anyway. Loved for who we are, not for what we do or for the spectacular masks we wear. To do this we have to lay down our masks and surrender the “compulsions of the false self.” There is no better time than now, when they are already at the surface, to hand them over to God. He is doing a good work in each of us and He will bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6).

Dear reader, may you hear the Father’s words over you. You are enough! He has loved you from before you were born, before you ever had a chance to decide to follow Him. He knows you the most and He loves you the most. He isn’t finished with you yet.

In the end it’s not about you or your journey of sanctification. It’s about our God and how amazing He is! He is not threatened by your insecurities. It is His delight to bring you into greater freedom, but the focus is on Him, not you and me. So, as you are made aware of your false self with its impure compulsions, may you have the grace to surrender them, and then may you lift your eyes and see the wonder and holiness of our great God who delights to love us and make us new.