Sometimes forgiving someone feels impossible, but it would not be forgiveness if there was no grievance to forgive. What Jesus commands us to do, He supplies the grace for us to follow through – and that includes forgiving.

Forgiving is a supernatural act. It goes against every natural inclination. That’s why we almost never feel like doing it. But once we humble ourselves, and realise that we are also in need of God’s grace and forgiveness, it becomes a little bit easier. Not less painful, mind you.

It also helps to remember that the person who sinned against us is not our enemy. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 6:12 that we are not fighting “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

God longs to lavish love and grace on our offender(s) as much as He delights in lavishing love and grace on us. It takes a dose of humility to acknowledge this, but this is the way forward.

Name the pain

Part of working toward forgiveness is naming our pain. There is the emotional pain – the grief, the hurt, the rejection, the betrayal, the disappointment. We may feel this pain physically – a broken heart, a gaping hole inside us, heaviness.

There is no way to avoid these uninvited feelings. Even if we suppress them, they will pop up years later. If we bury them, we bury our hearts with them. Hardened like fossils, our hearts seep bitterness. The painful feelings we experience when someone sins against us are a reminder of Christ’s invitation to freedom: His command to forgive.

The sooner we are able to forgive, the sooner we will know freedom from the pain. The costs don’t change, but the poisonous sting is removed, and we receive God’s grace to walk upright in our circumstances. If we get stuck, we must reach out for help. Our lives depend on it.

We must also name the costs. What has this offense cost us? What debt exactly are we writing off? Our reputation, our health, our relationships our career, our confidence, someone’s life, to name a few? Sometimes the lists are long, and the most damaging costs are not financial. The grief over these losses must be felt. God’s grace will sustain us through it.

Own your part

No one’s perfect, right? That means we need to have grace for our offender, but it also means we need to own our part. Most often we will need to repent of unforgiveness. Hopefully as we mature in Christ, the time between an offense and our forgiveness gets shorter and shorter until we are able to forgive as it is happening, as Jesus did on the cross, and Stephen did while he was being stoned to death. (Anyone there yet? Not me!)

We will likely also need to repent of pride. We tend to think we are better than the person who sinned against us. There are no sins that are better or worse than others. Sin is sin, and we have all violated God’s decrees. If we cannot admit that, then we are very prideful indeed.

We also take responsibility for our thoughts, actions, and attitudes. Perhaps we wish for vengeance, or we pulled away from the relationship, or we gossiped about our offender. We must examine our responses of how we try to protect ourselves from further hurt, as these may not be reflective of the Father’s heart.

Just do it

Finally, we need to take a deep breath and just do it. Forgive them. Say it out loud, maybe on the count of three.  “I forgive (name) for (offense).” We won’t ever feel like forgiving; it is an act of faith.

If we still can’t do it, we need to ask ourselves what is stopping us. Cry out to God to help us forgive. Fast until we can. Ask another to pray and fast with and for us.

We keep working down our list of costs, forgiving the person for each one until there is nothing more to forgive. When we realize more costs in future (they pop up most unexpectedly), we forgive again.

Further clarification

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, though we no longer have need to ruminate on the offense.

It’s not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is one-sided; reconciliation is two-sided.

We may forgive someone but not trust them again, still press charges, minimize our interactions with them, or call them to account. Read more on setting healthy boundaries here.

Is there someone you still need to forgive? Perhaps the Holy Spirit is highlighting someone right now. Don’t skip to the next webpage. Pause. Close your eyes. He is ready to meet you right now and help you. Forgiving is possible in Christ.

PS, I’d like to acknowledge my counselling supervisor, Sandra Buller. She taught me much of what I know about helping people work toward forgiveness.