My kids tend to get awfully quiet when they owe someone an apology. They might half-whisper “sorry,” but even a trained lipreader would have trouble making out what they are saying. Or they blurt out “SORRY” in an angry voice and begin to storm off. Sorry – not sorry.

But aren’t we just like that as adults? Nobody enjoys apologising. It takes something to pause, acknowledge and take ownership of what we have done, and apologise for it from the heart.

Two kinds of sorrow

The Bible differentiates between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. (For the record I’m not writing about grief per se, though godly sorrow includes grief.)

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death (2 Corinthians 7:10).

Anyone can say that they are sorry, and even seem appropriately remorseful, but not everyone is truly repentant. Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow are distinguished by their motivations, and attitudes, and outcomes.

Worldly sorrow

In a nutshell, worldly sorrow is more concerned about the self than the sin. When we have worldly sorrow, we are more upset about having to endure the consequences of the sin than the sin itself. We may be devastated that we were caught gossiping, yet not be sorry about having gossiped.

What people think about us is more important to us than being in right relationship with God and others. We may state an apology because it is the right thing to do, but afterwards we quickly forget our promises to change (however sincere we may have felt at the time).

Worldly sorrow does not allow God’s conviction to touch our heart. There is no repentance and therefore no change. Remaining in our sin, we continue living separated from God. Naturally, worldly sorrow leads to death.

Godly Sorrow

Godly sorrow is marked by a different attitude. It comes from the heart and motivates notable change.

Paul observes of the Corinthians, ^“See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.”   (2 Corinthians 7:11).

When we experience godly sorrow, we are cut to the heart by the Holy Spirit’s conviction. We may even be even appalled over what we have done or not done. We are eager to undergo the consequences – anything to reconcile with God and those against whom we have sinned.

This hatred of our sin is held in tension with God’s love for us. We take ownership of our sin and are zealous to deal with it whatever it takes, but we do not wallow in condemnation and self-consciousness. We look instead to God and receive His forgiveness and His cleansing (1 John 1:9).

Godly sorrow is unpleasant and humbling, yes, but it is good. Paul was sorry to cause the Corinthian church sorrow, but it was ultimately for their good. Like the surgeon’s knife that cuts away the cancer, godly sorrow is painful and yet we rejoice over it. It leads to salvation and life and is without shame.

It’s up to us

As counterintuitive as it sounds, when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, it is a gift. Or rather, it is an invitation. We get to decide just how much we will allow that gift to transform us.

We can choose whether we will peek inside and mumble our “sorry” (worldly sorrow), or open the gift fully and allow it to touch our hearts in an uncomfortable but good-for-us kind of way (godly sorrow).

Probably, most of us will find ourselves wanting godly sorrow in theory but worldly sorrow in practice. If that is where you are, then I counsel you to pray this with me:

Lord, I find myself uncomfortable acknowledging my sin and its implications. My motives are selfish and impure and full of pride. I’d much rather recite my apologies quickly than allow your conviction to pierce my heart. But I want to want this sorrow that shapes and transforms. Please grow in me godly sorrow and true, heartfelt repentance. Please grow in me the fear of the Lord and the hatred of all that is evil. In Your Name and for Your glory, Amen.