You\u2019re in a meeting that was supposed to take 30 minutes, but almost an hour later the facilitator asks another question to the group and it doesn\u2019t look like the meeting will end anytime soon. Your roommate habitually dirties most of the dishes and leaves them piled next to the sink for days. Your parents bought a ticket for you to spend a week with them over the holidays, but you were planning to hang out with friends that week.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
We have all experienced being stuck in a situation that we are unhappy about, but no one else seems to mind. Perhaps no one even notices our discontent. We realize that nothing is going to change unless we initiate the change but speaking up feels uncomfortable. Maybe we are nervous to bring up the issue. We don\u2019t want to hurt anyone or seem ungrateful. Perhaps we\u2019ve tried it before and it wasn\u2019t received well. We\u2019d much rather stay silent and deal with our attitude, except it\u2019s not working: we find yourselves ruminating and imagining conversations where we tell the other person exactly what we think about their actions.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I have tried sucking it up and not saying anything. I\u2019ve tried to be generous with my time and my attitude. I\u2019ve tried reminding myself that the other person isn\u2019t annoying me on purpose. Staying silent only works for a while. In my experience it either ends up in a passive-aggressive explosion or I grow resentful and avoid the other person altogether. Neither outcome is pretty or desired. What I needed was some assertive communication skills.<\/p>\r\n
A few years ago I learned about the importance of speaking up about what I<\/em> would like, or want, or in some cases what I need<\/em>. As I have practiced communicating assertively and bringing up requests, I have noticed several things:<\/p>\r\n Communicating assertively felt risky in the beginning, but I have grown in it and it comes a lot more naturally these days (although there are still times I really struggle.)<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Confrontation or requests for change don\u2019t always need to be a serious matter or seen in a negative light. It may seem scary to speak up, but there are ways in which people can speak up that communicate their requests kindly.<\/p>\r\n As we practice communicating our requests assertively, we reap the rewards of satisfaction, confidence, inner peace, clear boundaries, and more fulfilling relationships.<\/p>\r\n Here are some pointers to get you on your way:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n A gentle start to the conversation can set the other person at ease and disarm their defenses. Take a deep breath and say something such as, \u201cSarah, I\u2019m bringing this up because our relationship is so important to me,\u201d<\/em> or \u201cIt\u2019s hard for me to say this, because I don\u2019t want to hurt\/disappoint you, but it\u2019s important.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n Make sure your posture is relaxed and open, and your tone gentle. Make eye contact as you speak and touch the other person\u2019s hand or arm gently if appropriate.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n A helpful phrase to memorize is: \u201cWhen you (said or did this specific thing), I felt (share a feeling).\u201d<\/em> When you come home late without letting me know, I feel lonely. When you yelled at our neighbor last Friday, I felt embarrassed. When you leave dirty dishes piled up for days, I feel frustrated.<\/em> It doesn\u2019t matter how long ago an incident happened; you can still bring it up to the other person, even if they don\u2019t remember it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n By sharing your feelings, you are avoiding criticizing the other person. There is a big difference between saying you feel<\/em> hurt and accusing the other person of hurting you. When you state your feelings, the other person is less likely to become defensive and the conversation is less likely to turn into an argument.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Take note that criticism can be disguised as feeling words. For example, \u201cI feel disrespected\/ignored\/belittled\u201d<\/em> may be heard as \u201cyou disrespected\/ignored\/belittled me\u201d<\/em> and may trigger defensiveness in the recipient. Instead choose words such as \u201cI feel sad\/lonely\/hurt.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n After stating the facts and your feelings, present your request. Depending on the strength of your request, you may use words such as \u201cI would like\u201d<\/em> or \u201cI want\u201d<\/em> or \u201cI need.\u201d<\/em> I need you to text me if you will be late. I would like you to apologize to the neighbor for yelling at him. I want you to apologize and make it up to me by taking me out to dinner.<\/em><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Framing your request positively gives the other person the chance to meet your request. \u201cI need you to stop coming home late\u201d<\/em> is hard to measure and may not even be possible. (The word \u201cstop\u201d indicates a negative request.) \u201cI need you to text me when you will be later than 5pm\u201d<\/em> (positive request) is clear and achievable.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Remember that the other person may choose whether he or she will agree to your request. Sometimes a compromise is necessary. After a short discussion you may both agree that you will not go out to dinner that evening, but wait for the weekend instead.<\/p>\r\n Sometimes someone may need to be reminded of your request. Repeat the same request each time the incident happens and hopefully they will begin to remember how it affects you.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Rather than stating a boundary in the negative, state it positively. For example, rather than telling my toddler, “No, I won’t read a story to you because there are still toys on the floor,”<\/em> I can say, “I will be happy to read a story to you when all the toys are tidied up.”<\/em> This way, we leave the choice with the other person. If they continue to ask for a story, I continue to repeat my phrase exactly as before.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n People may not be used to you being clear in your requests and firm in your boundaries<\/a>. It may take a little while for them to learn that you are serious, but it will be worth it!<\/p>\r\n Some people may become angry. Keep calm and stand your ground. Step away if you need to and say something like \u201cI will be happy to continue this conversation when we are both calm.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\r\n Others may not comply with our requests out of spite. That is up to them. You may wish to share what you feel when they resist.<\/p>\r\n Some may try to make you feel guilty. Don\u2019t fall for their manipulation. Just continue to stand your ground and repeat yourself as necessary.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Many times, assertive communication means stating your frustrations and needs in a positive way that can hardly be called confrontation. For the first few years of our marriage I tried to get my husband to make the bed if he was the last one up. I\u2019d remind him often. I\u2019d tell him how awful it was to walk into our room with an unmade bed. Nothing worked. One day I told him how I feel so loved whenever he makes the bed. Ever since that day, I often walk into our bedroom and breathe a deep sigh of peace and satisfaction because the bed is made. My husband delights to love me in this very practical way. (For the record, I make it some days too!)<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Sometimes we feel guilty for having a preference, but it is not wrong. If I am helping you decorate for your birthday party, I defer to your preference. I might not love the hot pink candles, but it\u2019s not about me.<\/p>\r\n When preferences collide, talk about them. It is not wrong for the tomatoes to be chopped instead of sliced; but it can be helpful to have a conversation about different preferences and willingly choose to defer to one person\u2019s preference. What we don\u2019t want to do is micromanage everyone all the time by forcing our preference on them when their way of doing things is just as legitimate.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Whatever the outcome, congratulate yourself for having had a difficult conversation. You can be proud of yourself for doing your part \u2013 that is all that you can do. If a person is being particularly difficult, take some time afterwards to remind yourself of your identity in Christ<\/a> and your worth as God’s child. It\u2019s how God sees you that counts, not how the other person sees you.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n The bottom line is: we teach people how to treat us. If we often wash someone\u2019s dishes, they will learn to expect that of us. If we say we want time to ourselves but then allow someone to interrupt several times, they will learn that it is okay to interrupt us. Our part is to do our best at assertive communication – we state our requests and needs clearly, and then make sure our actions follow our words.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Assertive communication is risky. We might upset someone or rock the boat. We might be mocked or ignored. But by not saying anything we are also paying a cost. It may be a sense of uneasiness, burnout, resent, or distance within a relationship. Is the cost of not being assertive worth it?<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n By speaking up, you are living an authentic and transparent life that your heart can fully engage in, rather than doing things to please others but resenting having to do so. You may get to resolve some issues you have been unable to let go of. You may be surprised at how willing others are to accommodate your requests.<\/p>\r\n Every time you risk speaking up, you are extending an invitation to deeper emotional intimacy as you share your vulnerabilities and allow the other person to know you more. I would say the benefits far outweigh the risks.<\/p>\r\n What is one small step you can take in practicing assertive communication today?<\/p>\r\n Reasons for Assertive Communication<\/a><\/p>\r\n\r\n
Tips for Assertive Communication<\/h2>\r\n
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Frame the Conversation<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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State Facts and Feelings<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Present Your Request<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Repeat What You Will Be Happy To Do<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Don\u2019t Be Perturbed By a Negative Response<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Set Up Someone to be Your Hero<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Your Preference is Legitimate<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
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Congratulate Yourself<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Read Also:<\/h2>\r\n