Would you pass a test at loving yourself unconditionally? My hunch is that many Christians struggle with parts of ourselves we dislike. We struggle to love ourselves fully just the way we are – not only the way we want to be. Our love is laced with shame and conditions.

The problem is, if you’re a Christian, you are supposed to love others as you love yourself. If you’re not able to love yourself, you are going to have trouble loving others. These aspects we dislike are not limited to the physical realm. It could be a habit, a struggle with mental health, or a part of your personality that you dislike. You shrug off compliments because you don’t believe them. You rationalize that others are just being nice to you. When you judge yourself for something (your skew ears or your habit of procrastinating) you will judge other people who display the same characteristic. This is the opposite of loving one another!

A few years ago I was surprised by an unintentional experiment with my weight. I have often wished I could lose just a few pounds – then I would feel good about myself. I did lose more than 20 pounds (10 kilograms) when I altered my diet for a medical reason. The strange thing is this: even after losing so much weight, I still struggled to accept my weight. I still felt frumpy and thought I “needed to lose a few pounds.” I assure you, I did not need to, but the experience challenged the way I thought about myself. I now recognize that my struggle was not so much about the numbers on the scale as it was about accepting myself.

One way to grow in loving yourself unconditionally is to accept yourself just the way you are. This does not mean being content with sin. Society also tells us to accept ourselves, but from the perspective that there is no sin. God loves and accepts us just the way we are, but He also wants to sanctify us, because there is sin in us. But just as God loved us when we were utterly sinful, so we can learn to love ourselves despite sin. By learning to accept yourself unconditionally, you are not eliminating your responsibility for how you behave or steward your body, but you are eliminating self-rejection.

1. Challenge your assumptions

When the numbers on my scale were dropping but I still felt unhappy about my weight, I realised that it was not about the numbers. I had assumed that my self-confidence and ability to like myself physically were dependent on my weight. When I challenged my assumptions, I discovered that they were faulty. If they were true, I should have felt great about myself and loved my body at the lower weight, but I was still struggling with self-confidence and accepting my weight. I had to face the fact that my thinking had been distorted.

What assumptions are you making? Are you considering long fingers better than your short ones? Are you assuming there is something wrong with you? Are you taking something negative that someone said about you as true?

2. Get other perspectives

Ask the people around you who love you and will tell you the truth kindly. Being aware of other perspectives forces you to admit that yours is not the only one, nor is it even the most accurate.

Take their feedback at face value. When we are unable to accept another person’s compliment, it is usually because we are already believing something negative about ourselves in that area. Suspend your own judgements when you ask others for their perspectives.

My husband thought I was beautiful all along. His love was not based on the condition of my weight. Over the years we have had conversations about healthy eating and exercise, because I recognise that I am a steward of my body including my weight.

The best perspective to seek is God’s. Only God’s perspective takes everything into account and is 100% true. People’s perspectives may change, but God’s does not. When you do see His perspective, it is much easier to change what you believe about yourself.

Ask God to show you His perspective on the trait you are struggling to accept, and then wait for what He will show you. He may speak through a Bible verse that seems to jump out at you, or the Holy Spirit may impress something on your heart. Sometimes a friend’s words or a line in a song will resonate and bring the answer you were looking for.

3. Repent and renew your mind

Repenting means turning away from your faulty beliefs and assumptions and turning towards loving yourself as God loves you. You choose to start believing differently about yourself, or at least acknowledge that you want to believe differently (and ask God for help).

Renew your mind by reminding yourself of the new perspective you are adopting. Treat yourself as you would your best friend if she was struggling with the same issue: with kindness, encouragement, and compassion. You may not love the look of your hands, but there are many ways your hands serve you – focus on that instead.

I had to repent from basing my self-acceptance on a physical condition instead of on God’s unconditional acceptance and love. I also had to decide that I was going to accept myself just the way I was. My weight eventually settled at a healthy baseline, but here’s the catch: I was able to accept and love my body apart from the condition of my weight. Every now and then I fall into my old way of thinking and I have to remind myself – or ask my husband to remind me – that I do not need or want to put conditions on loving myself.

If you are dealing with an obvious sin issue, you need to go further than repenting for the sin. You also need to repent for the beliefs that are holding you captive to that sin and renew your thinking in that area. Even if you struggle with the same sin pattern over and over, genuinely repenting every time keeps your heart soft before God.

Without learning to accept yourself, you will not be able to love yourself unconditionally and you will do poorly at loving others. You will judge those who have the same traits you dislike about yourself. You will stay stuck in the cycle of feeling bad about yourself but not knowing how to change.

The choice is yours, but the great news is that you do not have to do this alone. The Holy Spirit is very good at revealing assumptions and helping you renew your mind. Ask Him for help. He would be honoured to walk this journey with you.