Have you ever said yes to something you really wanted to say no to? Perhaps you smile but feel resent building up inside? You have probably fallen into the trap of believing Christians should always be self-sacrificing, generous, loving, and “nice.” I’ve got good news for you: Christians can be assertive!
Being Loving Does Not Mean Being Passive
There is a difference between being passive (always bowing to the needs of others) and being loving. Problems arise when we equate the two. We end up doing what we don’t want to do, which leaves us feeling unhappy, resentful, cynical, and bitter.
I am a people-pleaser by default. It might even be my middle name. It’s hard for me to say no. I want people to know that I care about them, but after being honest with myself, I had to admit that the one person I was not caring for was myself.
I was going out of my way making sure everyone else’s needs were satisfied, but the cost to my own wellbeing became too much to bear. I was unhappy and dissatisfied, but I couldn’t show anyone or I would have to admit to neglecting my own needs.
There wasn’t a specific moment that things switched, but I realized I was being hypocritical saying yes when I really meant no. Being loving meant being honest, even if I thought that I would disappoint the other person.
I started declining more requests at the risk of upsetting others, and I felt proud of myself for doing so. I found I had more time and energy to focus on the things that make me come alive. Friends and family were indirectly benefitting from my healthier state of being. I made that decision years ago, and I am still reaping the benefits of being more assertive.
Communication on a Continuum
There are two extremes on the continuum of communication: passive and aggressive.
Being aggressive means you always puts your desires above the other person. You attack with force, whether verbally or physically. If Sam asks to borrow money you yell a loud “no” and punch Sam in the face.
Being passive means you always puts the other person’s desires above your own. You do what they want, even when it goes against your desires. You don’t speak up. You lend Sam the money you were going to use to buy a book, even though Sam still owes you money from a few months ago.
Luckily, passive communication and aggressive communication are not the only options. Somewhere in the middle of the continuum is assertive communication. Being assertive means you considers the desires of both parties while also respecting both parties. You communicate clearly but kindly that you will not lend Sam any more money until the previous loan is paid back.
There is a fourth communication style. Being passive-aggressive means you communicate your needs and feelings indirectly. Your body language doesn’t match your words. You mutter under your breath or give someone the cold shoulder.
Reasons for Being Assertive
It can be helpful to understand why assertiveness is good before learning how to be assertive.
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Correct your misconceptions of what Christians are supposed to be
Jesus was not a smiling doormat that allowed everyone to walk all over him. That is an extreme image, but it hopefully causes us to question our beliefs that we should be pleasing everyone even at our own expense. Jesus said no many times in the gospels. He did not allow the man healed from demonic oppression to travel with Him (Mark 5:18-19). He did not concede to Martha’s request for Mary to help her serve (Luke 10:38-42). He did not rush to Lazarus’s sick bed (John 11:6).
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Your No is for the sake of a greater Yes
If you are training as a competitive athlete (your Yes), it is easier to say no to a second helping at dinner. If you are working on a project you are excited about, it is easier to say no to watching too much TV.
In each of the examples of Jesus saying no, there is a greater reason – a greater Yes that allowed Him to say no. The man who was healed from demon oppression shared the good news in his hometown and surrounding areas. Mary chose in that moment to sit in the presence of Jesus instead of worry about logistical details. Jesus did more than heal Lazarus; He raised him from the dead!
What is your Yes that will make it easier to say no to other things?
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Match your inside and outside responses
Do your verbal responses and actions line up with what your heart is saying? Or do you find yourself committing to something you really don’t want to? As Christians, we must live with integrity, which means responding honestly and sincerely. This is one interpretation of letting our “yes” be yes and our “no” be no (Matthew 5:37). Your yes can only be a true yes if you are fully free to say no.
Many factors may stand in the way of answering authentically. Figure out your reasons and bring them before God. If it is fear, what exactly are you afraid of? If it is guilt, is it true or false guilt? Do you feel as though you owe somebody something? Do you feel as though you are not worthy of standing up for something? Ask God what to repent of and ask Him to show you what the truth is in your circumstance.
Get Practical
Below are some practical suggestions for growing in assertiveness. See more tips on assertive communication.
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Establish healthy boundaries
They say, “Good fences make good neighbors.” It is true, even between Christians. I like to think of healthy boundaries as good fences. People may come all the way up to the fence, but if they jump over it, they are trespassing which is not okay.
By clearly communicating your boundaries, you are showing the other person where the fence is and where your private property begins. Perhaps your roommate often wants to start a deep conversation about her personal struggles after 11pm. You feel torn, wanting to be there for her because she always feels better after you pray together, but you also know you need to get up early in the morning. A healthy boundary could be to set aside certain times each week when you can pray and be there for her, but that you will not be available for deep and lengthy conversations after 9pm. You can communicate this boundary clearly and kindly.
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Come up with appropriate consequences
A boundary has no meaning if we allow people to cross it all the time. If you communicate to your roommate that you will not have lengthy conversations after 9pm, but you allow them to happen anyway, you are teaching her that it is okay. Boundaries must be maintained by appropriate consequences. You may need to put the pause on a conversation until a future time that is not outside of your boundaries. This can be done kindly but firmly: “I’d love to pray with you tomorrow afternoon, but right now it’s after 9pm and I need to get some sleep.” And then shut your door.
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Shrug off the guilt
It is common to feel guilty as you practice saying no to people. Shrug it off! You can be proud of yourself for giving an answer that is honest.
Guilt always comes because of a rule that has been broken. What is the rule in your circumstance? Who made the rule? Perhaps your rule is: I should always lend money when friends ask. (“Should” is a huge clue.) Assess whether it is a realistic rule and decide whether you would like to continue living by that rule or make a new rule. Your new rule might be: I will only lend money when I can do so joyfully and not from a place of guilt. If the person tries to heap the guilt on you, recognize this as manipulation and don’t fall for it.
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You don’t have to give a reason
It is easier to decline a request when you can say why you are declining, but you don’t always have to give a reason. It is perfectly okay to say, “I’m not able to help you tonight,” period. If the person pushes for a reason, you can say, “It doesn’t matter,” or “I have plans” (even if those plans are some alone time with yourself). “I don’t want to” is also a legitimate answer.
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Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it
“I’m sorry I can’t take you to your event tonight” might sound empathetic, but don’t say it if it’s not true. “I won’t take you to your event tonight” might be the more honest response you need to use. You may be sorry that it puts your friend into an awkward position, but you are not sorry for causing the dilemma (or for not resolving what was already a dilemma for that person).
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Speak up if you realize you made the wrong decision/commitment
We can’t always get out of our commitments, but sometimes we can and sometimes we need to. Perhaps you found out after you committed that the project would take a lot more time than you thought. Speak up! Perhaps your circumstances have changed. Speak up! Perhaps you simply realize you made the wrong decision. Speak up!
The sooner you can speak up, the better. Obviously, you don’t want to leave the other person hanging, but if there is sufficient time for them to find someone else to help, there is no reason you should stay stuck in it.
If it is a serious life-altering commitment you are making and you feel uncertain, you need to speak up – don’t move forward unless you feel a deep inner peace.
As you grow in assertive communication and can answer more honestly from the heart, there will be less need to pull out of your commitments.
Practice, Practice, Practice!
Learning to communicate assertively is like learning a new language. You are bound to make mistakes, but you are also bound to become more fluent in it. Practice on safe people who will easily respect your no.
Begin to build your confidence with small things. Don’t eat the olives if you don’t like olives! Even if you make mistakes and revert to your old ways, reflect on the circumstances and think about how you could answer differently in future. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it sure makes you a lot better in it than you were before.
