Have you ever said yes to something you really wanted to say no to? Are you stuck being a “nice” Christian because that is how you think Christians should be? Perhaps you have mastered the sweet smile on the outside but are concerned about your feelings of resent that you can’t seem to shake on the inside? You’ve probably fallen into the trap of believing Christians should be self-sacrificing and always giving and loving and nice. Perhaps you have even tried to say no before, but you have been labelled selfish and a terrible Christian by others who believe that Christians should always be nice.

This is a misconception! There is a difference between being passive (always bowing to the needs of others) and being loving. The problem when we equate the two is that we become unhappy, resentful, and even bitter. We end up doing what we don’t really want to. We avoid certain people who seem to trigger these feelings. We stop giving altogether because of a few people who have misused our kindness. We might even burn out and become cynical.

I am a people-pleaser by default. It might even be my middle name. It’s hard for me to say no. I want people to know that I care about them. But eventually I had to admit that the one person I was not caring for was myself. I was going out of my way making sure everyone else’s needs were satisfied, but the cost to my own wellbeing became too much to bear. I was unhappy and dissatisfied, but I couldn’t show anyone or I would have to admit to neglecting my own needs.

There wasn’t a specific moment that things switched, but I realised I was being hypocritical saying yes when I really meant no. I started declining more requests at the risk of upsetting others, and I felt proud of myself for doing so. I found I had more time and energy to focus on the things that make me come alive, and others were indirectly benefitting from my healthier state of being. That was years ago, and I am still reaping the benefits of choosing daily to be assertive.

There are two extremes on the continuum of communication – passive and aggressive – but neither are particularly admirable. Aggressive communication puts your desires above the other person. If Sam asks to borrow money you yell a loud “no” and punch Sam in the face. On the other extreme, passive communication always puts the other’s desires above your own. You lend Sam the money you were going to use to buy a book, even though Sam still owes you money from a few months ago.

Luckily, passive communication and aggressive communication are not the only options. Assertive communication is somewhere in the middle of the continuum and it considers the desires of both parties while also respecting both parties. You communicate clearly but kindly that you will not lend Sam any more money until the previous loan is paid back. Read on for a few tips to grow in assertive communication:

• Correct your misconceptions of what Christians are supposed to be

Jesus was not a smiling doormat that allowed everyone to walk all over Him. That is an extreme image, but it hopefully causes us to question our beliefs that we should be pleasing everyone even at our own expense. Jesus said no many times in the gospels. He did not allow the man healed from demonic oppression to travel with Him (Mark 5:18-19). He did not concede to Martha’s request for Mary to help her serve (Luke 10:38-42). He did not rush to Lazarus’s sick bed (John 11:6).

• Your No is for the sake of a greater Yes

If you are training as a competitive athlete (your Yes), it is easier to say no to a second helping at dinner. If you are working on a project you are excited about, it is easier to say no to watching too much TV. In each of the examples of Jesus saying no, there is a greater reason – a greater Yes that allowed Him to say no. The man who was healed from demon oppression shared the good news in his hometown and surrounding areas. Mary chose in that moment to sit in the presence of Jesus instead of worry about logistical details. Jesus did more than heal Lazarus; He raised him from the dead! What is your Yes that will make it easier to say no to other things?

• Establish healthy boundaries

They say, “Good fences make good neighbours.” It is true – even between Christians. I like to think of healthy boundaries as good fences. People may come all the way up to the fence, but if they jump over it, they are trespassing which is not okay. By clearly communicating your boundaries, you are showing the other person where the fence is and where your private property begins. Perhaps your roommate often wants to start a deep conversation about her personal struggles after 11pm. You feel torn, wanting to be there for her because she always feels better after you pray together, but you also know you need to get up early in the morning. A healthy boundary could be to set aside certain times each week when you can pray and be there for her, but that you will not be available for deep and lengthy conversations after 9pm. You can communicate this boundary clearly and kindly.

• Come up with appropriate consequences

A fence has no meaning if we allow people to walk over it all the time. If you communicate to your roommate that you will not have lengthy conversations after 9pm, but you allow them to happen anyway, you are teaching her that it is okay. Boundaries must be maintained by appropriate consequences. You may need to put the pause on a conversation until a future time that is not outside of your boundaries. This can be done kindly but firmly: “I’d love to pray with you tomorrow afternoon, but right now it’s after 9pm and I need to get some sleep.” And then shut your door.

• Match your inside and outside responses

Do your verbal responses and actions line up with what your heart is saying? Or do you find yourself committing to something you really don’t want to? As Christians, we must live with integrity, which means responding honestly and sincerely. This is one interpretation of letting our “yes” be yes and our “no” be no (Matthew 5:37). Your yes can only be a true yes if you are fully free to say no.

Many factors may stand in the way of answering authentically. Figure out your reasons and bring them before God. If it is fear, what exactly are you afraid of? If it is guilt, is it true or false guilt? Do you feel as though you owe somebody something? Do you feel as though you are not worthy of standing up for something? Ask God what to repent of and ask Him to show you what the truth is in your circumstance.

• Shrug off the guilt

It is common to feel guilty as you practise saying no to people. Shrug it off! You can be proud of yourself for giving an answer that is honest. Guilt always comes because of a rule that has been broken. What is the rule in your circumstance? Perhaps your rule is: I should always lend money when friends ask. (“Should” is a huge clue.) Assess whether it is a realistic rule and decide whether you would like to continue living by that rule or make a new rule. Your new rule might be: I will only lend money when I can do so joyfully and not from a place of guilt. If the person tries to heap the guilt on you, recognise this as manipulation and don’t fall for it.

• You don’t have to give a reason

It is easier to decline a request when you can say why you are declining, but you don’t always have to give a reason. It is perfectly okay to say, “I’m not able to help you tonight,” period. If the person pushes for a reason, you can say, “It doesn’t matter,” or “I have plans” (even if those plans are some alone time with yourself). “I don’t want to” is also a legitimate answer.

• Don’t apologise if you don’t mean it

“I’m sorry I can’t take you to your event tonight” might sound empathetic, but don’t say it if it’s not true! “I won’t take you to your event tonight” might be the more honest response you need to use. You may be sorry that it puts your friend into an awkward position, but you are not sorry for causing the dilemma (or for not resolving what was already a dilemma for that person).

• Speak up if you realise you made the wrong decision/commitment

We can’t always get out of our commitments, but sometimes we can and sometimes we need to. Perhaps you found out after you committed that the project would take a lot more time than you thought. Speak up! Perhaps your circumstances have changed. Speak up! Perhaps you simply realise you made the wrong decision. Speak up! The sooner you can speak up, the better. Obviously, you don’t want to leave the other person hanging, but if there is sufficient time for them to find someone else to help, there is no reason you should stay stuck in it. If it is a serious life-altering commitment you are making and you feel uncertain, you need to speak up – don’t move forward unless you feel a deep inner peace. As you grow in assertive communication and can answer more honestly from the heart, there will be less need to pull out of your commitments.

Practise, Practise, Practise!

Learning to communicate assertively is like learning a new language. You are bound to make mistakes, but you are also bound to become more fluent in it. Practise on safe people who will easily respect your no. Begin to build your confidence with small things. Don’t eat the olives if you don’t like olives! Even if you make mistakes and revert to your old ways, reflect on the circumstances and think about how you could answer differently in future. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it sure makes you a lot better in it than you were before.

This blog is Part 1 of assertive communication and deals mainly with responding assertively. Watch for my next blog on assertive confrontation: tips for speaking up when something is not as it should be.

What has been helpful? Leave a comment below.

Sandi