To read Part 1 on responding assertively to requests, click here.

You’re in a meeting that was supposed to take 30 minutes, but almost an hour later the facilitator asks another question to the group and it doesn’t look like the meeting will end anytime soon. Your roommate habitually dirties most of the dishes and leaves them piled next to the sink for days. Your parents bought a ticket for you to spend a week with them over the holidays, but you were planning to hang out with friends that week.

We have all experienced being stuck in a situation that we are unhappy about, but no one else seems to mind. Perhaps no one even notices our discontent. We realise that nothing is going to change unless we initiate the change but speaking up feels uncomfortable. Maybe we are nervous to bring up the issue. We don’t want to hurt anyone or seem ungrateful. Perhaps we’ve tried it before and it wasn’t received well. We’d much rather stay silent and deal with our attitude, except it’s not working: we find yourselves ruminating and imagining conversations where we tell the other person exactly what we think about their actions.

I have tried sucking it up and not saying anything. I’ve tried to be generous with my time and my attitude. I’ve tried reminding myself that the other person isn’t annoying me on purpose. Staying silent only works for a while. In my experience it either ends up in a passive-aggressive explosion or I grow resentful and avoid the other person altogether. Neither outcome is pretty or desired.

A few years ago I learned about the importance of speaking up about what I would like, or want, or in some cases what I need. As I have practised being assertive and bringing up requests, I have noticed several things: I have become more self-aware and can more easily recognise when I am in a state of discontent. I have become better at letting go of offenses, because I deal with them as they arise and not a month later bottled together with twenty other offenses. I have become more confident in asking for what I would like, while also recognising that the person I am asking has a choice to meet my request or not. I am doing less things to please other people and have more time to focus on what I would really like to give. I have been surprised at how not-a-big-deal some requests are. There have been times where I have voiced my request and the other person has sighed with relief because they had been hoping the same thing but not wanted to voice it. I have seen how my relationships have deepened because I have been authentic and sometimes vulnerable in my requests. Being assertive felt risky in the beginning, but I have grown in it and it comes a lot more naturally these days (although there are still times I really struggle.)

Confrontation or requests for change don’t always need to be a serious matter or seen in a negative light. It may seem scary to speak up, but there are ways in which people can speak up that communicate their requests kindly. As you practise assertively communicating your requests, you will reap the rewards of satisfaction, confidence, inner peace, clear boundaries, and more fulfilling relationships. Here are some pointers to get you on your way:

• Frame the conversation

A gentle start to the conversation can set the other person at ease and disarm their defenses. Take a deep breath and say something such as, “Sarah, I’m bringing this up because our relationship is so important to me” or “It’s hard for me to say this, because I don’t want to hurt/disappoint you, but it’s important.” Make sure your posture is relaxed and open, and your tone gentle. Make eye contact as you speak and touch the other person’s hand or arm gently if appropriate.

• State facts and feelings

A great way to phrase an issue is “when you (said or did this specific thing), I felt (share a feeling).” When you come home late without letting me know, I feel lonely. When you yelled at our neighbour last Friday, I felt embarrassed. When you leave dirty dishes piled up for days, I feel frustrated. It doesn’t matter how long ago an incident happened; you can still bring it up to the other person, even if they don’t remember it.

By sharing your feelings, you are avoiding criticizing the other person. There is a big difference between saying you feel hurt and accusing the other person of hurting you. When you state your feelings, the other person is less likely to become defensive, and the conversation is less likely to turn into an argument.

Take note that criticism can be disguised as feeling words; you’ll want to avoid that. For example, “I feel disrespected/ignored/belittled” may be heard as “you disrespected/ignored/belittled me” and may trigger defensiveness. Instead choose words such as “I feel sad/lonely/hurt.”

• Present your request

After stating the facts and your feelings, present your request. Depending on the strength of your request, you may use words such as “I would like” or “I want” or “I need.” I need you to text me if you will be late. I would like you to apologise to the neighbour for yelling at him. I want you to apologise and make it up to me by taking me out to dinner and buying me flowers.

Framing your request positively gives the other person the chance to meet your request. “I need you to stop coming home late” is hard to measure and may not even be possible. (The word “stop” indicates a negative request.) “I need you to text me when you will be later than 5pm” (positive request) is clear and achievable.

Remember that the other person may choose whether he or she will agree to your request. Sometimes a compromise is necessary. After a short discussion you may both agree that you will not go out to dinner that evening, but wait for the weekend instead. Often some people will need to be reminded of your requests – repeat the same request each time the incident happens and hopefully they will begin to remember how it affects you.

• Repeat what you will be happy to do

Rather than stating a boundary in the negative, we can state it positively. For example, rather than telling my toddler, “No, I won’t read a story to you because there are still toys on the floor,” I can say, “I will be happy to read a story to you when all the toys are tidied up.” This way, we leave the choice with the other person. If they continue to ask for a story, I smile sweetly and continue to repeat my phrase exactly as before.

• Don’t be perturbed by a negative response

People may not be used to you being clear in your requests and firm in your boundaries. It may take a little while for them to learn that you are serious, but it will be worth it! Some may become angry. Keep calm and stand your ground. Step away if you need to and say something like “I will be happy to continue this conversation when we are both calm.” Some may not comply with your requests out of spite. That is up to them. You may wish to share what you feel when they resist. Some may try to make you feel guilty. Don’t fall for their manipulation. Just continue to stand your ground and repeat yourself as necessary.

• Set up someone to be your hero

There are ways to communicate your needs in a very positive way that would hardly be called confrontation. For the first few years of our marriage I tried to get my husband to make the bed. I’d remind him often. I’d tell him how awful it was to walk into our room with an unmade bed. Nothing worked. One day I told him how I feel so loved whenever he makes the bed. Ever since that day, I often walk into our bedroom and breathe a deep sigh of peace and satisfaction because the bed is made. My husband delights to love me in this very practical way. (For the record, I make it some days too!)

• Your preference is legitimate

If I am helping you decorate for your birthday party, I defer to your preference. I might not love the hot pink candles, but it’s not about me. Sometimes we feel guilty for having a preference, but it is not wrong. When preferences collide, talk about them. It is not wrong for the tomatoes to be chopped instead of sliced; but it can be helpful to have a conversation about different preferences and willingly choose to defer to one person’s preference. What we don’t want to do is micromanage everyone all the time by forcing our preference on them when their way of doing things would be just as legitimate.

• Congratulate yourself

Whatever the outcome, congratulate yourself for having had a difficult conversation. You can be proud of yourself for doing your part – that is all that you can do. If a person is being particularly difficult, take some time afterwards to remind yourself of your identity in Christ and your worth as His child. It’s how He sees you that counts, not how the other person sees you.

The bottom line is: You teach people how to treat you. If we often wash someone’s dishes, they will learn to expect that of us. If we say we want time to ourselves but then allow someone to interrupt several times, they will learn that it is okay to interrupt us. Our part is to communicate our requests and needs clearly, and then make sure our actions follow our words.

Being assertive is risky. We might upset someone or rock the boat. We might be mocked or ignored. But by not saying anything we are also paying a cost. It may be a sense of uneasiness, burnout, resent, or distance within a relationship. Is the cost of not being assertive worth it?

By speaking up, you are living an authentic and transparent life that your heart can fully engage in, rather than doing things to please others but resenting having to do so. You may get to resolve some issues you have been unable to let go of. You may be surprised at how willing others are to accommodate your requests. Every time you risk speaking up, you are extending an invitation to deeper emotional intimacy as you share your vulnerabilities and allow the other person to know you more. I would say the benefits far outweigh the risks. What is one small step you can take in practising assertive communication today?