Several years ago I was able to reunite in person with two very good friends. They are spiritual friends to me, gifts from God. I was over-the-moon excited to see them after a lengthy time of geographical separation. We had shared a depth of friendship in previous years that was intimate and transparent, and we had managed to stay in regular contact over email and video chat. I was looking forward to our three days together.

So, I was surprised and annoyed at myself when I felt a bit strange to be around them at first. I did not know what to do or say and I stumbled through the conversation. I found myself afraid of the vulnerability we had once shared. I loved them deeply, but I was afraid they would discover I was not quite as grand as the person they remembered, or the one hidden behind emoticons.

To be seen, really seen by another human is an intimate experience and it can be healing if we will allow it. Perhaps you have experienced such moments when you have allowed another to see, really see you. Sometimes it is quite overwhelming. I am not talking about brazen flirtatious stares that want something from you. I am talking about the look of love that celebrates you as you are. It invites you into a deeper experience of life. A special connection where you know you have shared something and that nothing more is required of you but to enjoy being in the moment.

It makes sense that one of our greatest fears is to be known and then rejected. Of course the enemy of our souls would whisper this in our ears. He knows the courage of one who is known and loved.

This kind of intimacy is risky, but it is what we are made for.

We can set aside our fears. God knows – I’m talking every detail – and He hasn’t rejected us. He has bound Himself to us in covenant. He sees our deepest fears, our most shameful secrets, our ugliest moments, and He offers love, love, love. We need not fear what anyone else will think of us.

The One who knows us most of all loves us most of all.

We are not made to be alone. Of course, no one can fully share the ecstasy of our joys or the depths of our sorrows. But there is truth to the Swedish proverb: “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.”

My best attempt to distinguish a spiritual friend from any other friend would be to say that spiritual friends inspire and encourage us toward God by the way they live their own lives. Sometimes I wonder if we have had to add the adjective spiritual because we have forgotten the full meaning of what friendship is supposed to be in the first place.

A spiritual friend is one who sees us in the context of eternity and who calls us deeper toward God. He or she listens and discerns the movement of God in our life and encourages us toward Him. It is not a friendship that uses the other person to meet personal needs. It is a friendship of love: self-sacrificing and truth-telling, challenging and encouraging, purifying and persevering.

It is a friendship of pilgrims who share the landscape, who are committed to one another and to travelling in the same direction.

Spiritual friendships are not limited to two people, though usually the groups are small because of their intimate nature. In my own experience, much richness is cultivated with the presence of a third spiritual friend. They are typically of the same gender (except in the case of marriage), though friendship groups can make way for men and women to share such intimacy this side of heaven. I imagine heaven to be filled with these kinds of ever-growing deep relationships with every person there…

God was good to me during that retreat with my friends. He did not let me hide in the shadows. He allowed some things in me that needed healing to be brought to the surface. My friends picked up where God was working in me; they knew me well enough to challenge me and allow God to remold me. How good of God to do so in the very safe place of our trusted friendship.  Whether in a friendship, marriage, or family, we are all called to cultivate these places of trust. They are the places we can simply be. They are the places we allow ourselves to be seen and then celebrated, valued, encouraged, and challenged. They are the places we grow.

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Here are some characteristics of spiritual friends. (Many relate to wider categories of friendship.) As you read them, don’t think only of how your friends measure up (or not); rather consider how you can grow as a friend.

• They help one another look to God.

Spiritual friends turn our focus to God, not once, but over and over. They hear our sadness, our longing, our struggle; they empathise with us – and they help us see the God who is with us through it all. They are the first to celebrate our success – and they remind us in humility that it is God who gave us our giftings. They hear our confession of sin – and they turn our focus to the One who forgives our sin and who has not stopped loving us.

• They trust one another.

Trust takes time to build. Each time we connect emotionally, by being open about what is going on in our hearts and by listening attentively and trying our best to “get” the other person (really understand them), we build trust. We listen to the stories that have shaped each other – some are defining moments; others are just brief excerpts from childhood memories. Over time we learn to listen for the things our friends are not saying.

• They are vulnerable with one another.

Spiritual friends are not afraid to talk about their deepest feelings, admit their fears, or cry in front of one another. They try not to hide things from one another. (Usually if they are hiding something, they are trying to hide it from themselves!) The ability to be vulnerable with one another is a result of the trust they have built by attending to each other’s hearts over time.

• They pray for and with one another.

Prayer is inviting God into the conversation. Spiritual friends recognise God’s presence and His work all over the lives of one another. Praying together is a natural step, and praying for one another when apart – while it may take some time to cultivate the habit – is just as instinctive. These are times of asking God to work in specific ways, but also of listening to God with one another. Sometimes our spiritual friends hear our folly and turn to God in prayer for us!

• They make time for one another.

Spiritual friends are not relegated to spiritual activities. The friendship would lack, if so. When was the last time you rented bicycles (or sleds!) together? A hike together? Made a meal together? Organised your kitchen cupboards together? Went on vacation together? I strongly urge you to have each other in your homes as much as possible.

When spiritual friends live far apart, set regular times to chat for an hour or more. Keep up with each other on a text chat between those times. Mail handwritten letters and a package now and then. Commit to and prioritise getting together in person every few years.

• They encourage one another.

True encouragement names reality and points the path to possibility. When spiritual friends see what is good in one another, they point it out. When they see each other struggling, they point to concrete examples of past resilience. There are no flattering words or feel-good praises. The words of spiritual friends carry weight.

• They call one another out.

There was a moment in my friendship of three that we named out loud the need to move from what was mostly a cheerleading club to a place of accountability. In hindsight we were giving one another permission to speak into each of our lives if we saw anything awry – anything that would lead away from God. Sometimes it takes the shape of a warning, other times gentle confrontation through questions, or simply saying some things that can be hard to say. There must be the space to speak truth, though handled delicately, not like a flashing sword.

• They forgive one another.

Spiritual friends will hurt one another. Because they are close to us, it may hurt more than if someone else did the same thing. The need for sincere apologies and equally sincere offerings of forgiveness are par for the course whenever humans journey closely together. Spiritual friendship is a great place to put into practice Christ’s commands to forgive one another.

• They are not afraid of being a burden to one another.

If feeling like a burden is a hurdle for you, you need to challenge this belief that you hold. It will prevent you from having deep friendships. When did you first start believing that you were a burden to someone in your past? What made you think that? Was it something they said or did? If you remember something specific, forgive the person who hurt you. Ask God to reveal His truth in place of the lie that you are a burden.

Note: we may well become burdensome if we are always complaining or “venting.” No one likes to hear negativity all the time. We can ask God to deal with the root of our complaining and self-focus so that we may be free to engage fully in spiritual friendship, present to the other as much as they are present to us.

What to do if you don’t have spiritual friends?

Thank God for the friends you do have.

Ask Him for one or two spiritual friends.

Ask Him to show you who to invest in and obey by faith. Find ways to spend time together. Doing something together often gives the relationship a focus and allows space for friendship and trust to grow.

Repent if you recognise any jealousy, bitterness, or unbelief in your heart.

I recommend Jennie Allen’s book, Find Your People, and her website for many practical suggestions to grow deep friendships.  

Let us pray.

Father, I long for the deep intimacy shared between close friends, and yet I am afraid. I am afraid that no one will like me once they get to know the real me. I struggle to believe that I am worthy of unconditional love. Cover me with Your great love and help me to receive it. Teach me to pour love into others instead of disqualifying myself because of my own inadequacies. Help me to become the kind of friend I long to have. Grant me friends who are hungry for more of You. Show me with whom I should intentionally build a committed friendship. In Your Name, Jesus. Amen.